3 Steps to Discover if You’re Choosing Men Who are Just Like Your Father

Just like with our mothers, taking a hard look at the reality of the relationship with father can bring up old wounds. I encourage you to go through this at your own pace and really take the time to let it all soak in. In addition, please practice extreme self-care while on this journey, taking steps to take good care of you. There’s no rush and this is where the true healing happens.

Let me share with you some of the most common experiences my clients tell me about their relationships with their fathers.

Think about each of these and make note if they resonate with you:

  • Father didn’t really listen to you
  • Rarely, if ever, asked for your input on family matters
  • Was absent physically and/or emotionally
  • You felt disappointed by him
  • Alcoholism/addiction issues
  • Physical, sexual, emotional abuse
  • Didn’t keep his promises to you
  • Wasn’t present at your school or social functions
  • Did not treat your mother as his equal partner
  • In general, he didn’t treat women very well

Though the actual details could be different for you, these common themes are what many women grew up with and this became their “normal.”

How About Now?

The way you feel about yourself as a woman is deeply rooted in how your father treated you as his “little girl”.

When you look at the relationships you’ve had with men, do you gravitate to men like your father? Are the men you’ve had romantic relationships with kind and loving or are they uncaring or abusive in any way?

As a daughter, it’s important that the first man in your life loved you unconditionally since every man in your life thereafter will be patterned after this first love – your father. He is either your first love or he’s going to be your first disappointment.

Many of my clients blame themselves for making poor choices in the men they choose to date and marry. They often say, “You would think that living with an [angry, abusive, alcoholic, inattentive, emotionally unavailable] father would have made me more aware and selective.” Unfortunately, this is the opposite of what usually happens.

We tend to choose the same man based on the positive and negative effects you experienced with your father growing up.

Let’s Change This for You

Here are some tips for identifying and taking steps to improve how you have made your choices in men.

  1. Make a list of all of your past relationships with men: romantic, sexual, and casual. Note a few details on the problems or issues you experienced with each one.
  2. Make a list of the problems or difficulties you’ve encountered with your father — right up to this very minute.
  3. Place these lists side-by-side and, trust me, you’re going to be surprised by the amount of father/daughter issues that are also on your “other men” list.

If negative tendencies from your father seem to be dictating the outcome of most or all of your relationships with men today, remember that a troubled history with dad does not mean that hope has left the building!

Like every woman, you have control over your own romantic destiny. Redirect those old, detrimental behaviors and allow the positive into your heart. This way, when Mr. Dysfunctional rings your doorbell, you won’t be home to answer. You’ll be out enjoying date night with Prince Charming.

Has your father set the tone for the men you choose now? I help women just like you to stop answering the door for Mr. Wrong and make way for Mr. Right. Want to be my next success story? (it’s easier than you think!) Check out my Queen of Hearts Service Menu and let’s set up a private call to explore what’s possible for you!

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