Healing the Mother/ Daughter Relationship

Did you know your mother – and how she treated you growing up – is impacting your romantic partnerships right now? Many women don’t consider this, or are even aware how the dynamics of this emotional bond play out as an adult.

Even as grown women, we yearn to feel a connection with our mothers. Even through times of wanting to get away from her and to stand on our own two feet, we still want the nurturing that only a mother can give.

Our moms are our first role models for being female and we desire a close connection with her and yet, at the same time, we’re afraid of becoming just like her!

Did you grow up thinking you needed to distance yourself from your mom in order to become a mature adult? The truth is, we do need to change the relationship with her but not through distance — just shift it to a more mature relationship that will release you from limiting past dynamics.

But what happens with that desire for a relationship with your mom if you grew up without her or you’ve since lost her, whether emotionally through conflict or to death? How can you fill the void that’s left?

Even if your mother was around but you felt unloved and unimportant to her as a child, your development was intimately tied to her — your sense of self evolves from your connection with her – and ultimately becomes the blueprint for all other relationships.

So if you were raised by a “difficult” mother, how do you NOT let that shape your desire for, and the ability to have, a loving relationship with a man?

Difficult mothers fall into distinct patterns of behavior, each resulting in a painful and sometimes lifelong legacy for you as a young woman.

To move past the pain and turn any traumatic experiences with your mom into a positive for your own life, you must “find the gift” that has been given to you through this relationship.

By identifying the category your difficult mother falls into. and discovering what’s really going on in your relationship with her, you can transform it into something positive — and THAT is the gift!

Here are 5 different types of mothers and how you can repair the toxic legacy your mother left you with:

# 1 ANGRY MOTHER

All parents get angry, usually while under some type of stress, but constant rage can lead to difficult relationships. If your mom repeatedly used anger to close conversations and control you, you may be living in a state of high alert, just waiting for the next explosion. Toxic to a young brain, this damaging behavior stops a child from forming the mental circuits they need to regulate their own emotional states.

Many adult women become “people-pleasers” as a result of an angry mother.

Rather than living to smooth things over and focusing on other people’s happiness, turn that people-pleaser character trait into something wonderful by being diplomatic or the person that rises above when awkward situations come up.

By taking care of your own needs and letting people get to know the real you, you’ll be better equipped for a happy, healthy romance!

# 2 CONTROLLING MOTHER

This type of mom will try to take charge of every aspect of your life — to the extent that she told you as a child what to see, feel, and want.

In a healthy relationship, control is used to shape general values, create a steady routine, and teach specific rules. It’s meant to teach you to make sensible decisions on your own.

Controlling mothers raise distrustful daughters — you don’t trust yourself about your own wants, needs, and opinions. Simple decisions produce anxiety. You tell people, especially your controlling mother, what you think they want to hear.

The upside is that you likely have a thoughtful personality, having learned to weigh out your thoughts and opinions before you share them with others.

Get back to the basics of identifying what YOU want and what YOU think in all areas of your life. This is what will help you develop the skill to ask men for what you want!

# 3 NARCISSISTIC MOTHER

This mother is largely unable to show the empathy that is so important in a healthy mother-daughter relationship because she sees every request from her daughter as competition.

All ego, she craves attention and adoration. She sees you as a reflection of her so expects you to be outstanding in every aspect in order to be worthy of her.

This is a bewildering and volatile situation where you’re under constant pressure to be both subservient, but also to shine.

You probably tiptoe around her, living with the fear that the relationship could break apart any minute.

Find the gift here — You are probably very diplomatic with others and have high standards set for yourself. Don’t be afraid to toot your own horn a little and celebrate your successes with people that will be genuinely happy for your achievements.

# 4 EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE MOTHER

This often occurs through depression or drug/alcohol dependency and can be incredibly difficult for a child to deal with. Leading to all kinds of upset and confusion, this relationship can actually keep a child’s brain from developing properly.

If you experienced this, you may tend to adopt the role of comforter and protector. You might feel guilty for feeling happy and often take on large amounts of responsibility to make up for her ‘absence’.

As a grown woman, you may view ordinary emotions such as joy and sadness as extreme or even dangerous to have.

All of this affects the way you see your role in close relationships with men, believing their needs are more important than your own.

In the next issue, we’ll be exploring # 5: the ENVIOUS MOTHER – including how this type of relationship impacted your connection with your Father.

Do you sense unhealed wounds with your mother are preventing you from attracting true love? I have helped hundreds of women heal their relationship with their mother – and open their heart to love. Want to be my next success story? (it’s easier than you think!) Check out my Queen of Hearts Service Menu and let’s set up a private call to explore what’s possible for you!

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