The Shadow Side of People Pleasing

You’ve most likely have met her. She’s the woman who volunteers to make all the cookies for the school bake sale because she can see how busy everyone else is. She’s the faithful friend who will drive 12 hours to see you because she appreciates how valuable your time is. Your happiness, well-being and comfort are always her priority.

Or, you might be thinking: “Kim – that’s ME!”

If I have described you, then you fall into one of the common personality types: The People Pleaser.

People Pleasers are the accommodators, path-smoothers, comfort-givers, and empathizers in all their relationships. The wonderful aspect of being this personality type is your high sensitivity to others needs and never-ending nurturing support are irresistible – drawing people to you like moths to a flame. You are never in short supply of company!

As wonderful as these qualities are, there is also a “shadow” side to this personality. Let’s explore some of the shadow traits:

  • You often put yourself down
  • You have a hard time accepting compliments or gifts
  • Deep down, you never feel good enough
  • Making decisions is difficult for you
  • You are continually improving yourself in order to be loved
  • The way you feel about yourself does not match how others see you

Many pleasers tend to suffer from very low self-esteem. Inside, you may always feel less than or not good enough (especially compared to others). It’s often surprising to friends that you don’t hold the same kindness and empathy for yourself as you so easily do for others.

And romantically, it’s very difficult for a man to make you happy. Low self-esteem in a woman can wear a man out. No matter how much he reassures you he loves you, tells you that you’re beautiful, talented, or wise – you never believe it. He never feels like he can win with you.

So how can you help yourself (or someone you know) and create more of a balance?
Above all else, you need to ease up on being so hard on yourself. If you’re being honest – what is really so bad about you?

Action Steps for Healing

Part One) Make a list of your “failure” or “less-than” categories. List ALL of them, even if it triggers you to go there. It will usually be things like: “I’m eight pounds overweight”, “I forgot to send thank you cards out”, “I can never make a firm decision” etc…

Part Two) Now that you’ve got your list, go over each one and ask yourself: “Could I accept somebody else with these same limitations?” Write a paragraph underneath (perceived) limitation, in your People Pleasing empathetic way – what you would say to a person who told you they judged themselves in this way.

If what you write brings tears to your eyes – you’ve done this exercise perfectly!

After years of getting your heart crushed and being disappointed, you might be wondering if it’s worth it to keep investing energy and time in your love life. Well I have GREAT news – it absolutely is! Let’s hop on a call together so I can help you get your confidence back, and create a customized plan – to attract YOUR man! Reserve your spot HERE

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