A Simple Step-By-Step Guide for Setting and Keeping Boundaries – Part 1

A Simple Step-By-Step Guide for Setting and Keeping Boundaries – Part 1

It all starts out so perfectly – new man, new relationship, lots of fun; It’s easy, natural, and everything just flows. You feel confident, vibrant, and trusting.

Skip ahead a few weeks or months and now you’re finding yourself living a life that revolves around this man. You haven’t talked to your friends, you’re making compromises and excuses, and wondering how you got here (again!) and where this relationship is even going.

Ugh!

Lovely lady, you have violated your own boundaries. Let’s fix this once and for all!

Warning: We’re going to do this all together in two steps, okay? I don’t mean to torture you and not give you all of the answers at once but setting and sticking to boundaries takes time and practice so, today, we’re going to discover what boundaries really are (and aren’t!), you’ll have a little homework, and in the next newsletter (look for it on February 2nd!), you will see how to stick with your newly set boundaries. Ready? Let’s go!

Help! I don’t even know if I have boundaries anymore!

Whether you realize it or not, you communicate your boundaries to your mate. If you say one thing but do something different, you’re really saying “go ahead, break my boundary, I’m okay with that…” Not good!

Here are 7 Signs that you’ve compromised your boundaries along the way. If you can see yourself in even one of these, please do your homework and then come back for Part 2!

  1. Adjusting your life to suit a man’s schedule
  2. Giving in to anything that is not aligned with your values
  3. Settling for less than you know you really need or desire
  4. Stay in a relationship that you know is passed its deadline
  5. Smothering the person you’re dating with excessive needs or control
  6. Going back to a relationship that you know is over
  7. Entering a relationship to avoid being alone

I personally have experienced all of these at one time or another. One particular relationship many years ago had me stuck in #3 — he was gorgeous, charming, romantic, and had been divorced 4 times, was emotionally unavailable, and still had feelings for his last wife (Helllllo!)

We had a very real, deep connection but, emotionally, he drifted in and out; He’d be all in and then suddenly, be all out. What I needed and desired was his full attention and commitment but I kept settling by forgiving his behaviour in the hopes that he would eventually change. I stayed in that relationship for an entire year before I rose up and honored myself by ending it (It’s okay if you’re shaking your head at me right now!)

“…And just what are boundaries, anyway?”

We hear lots of talk about boundaries but, in all of my years of coaching women who want to be in happy, healthy, romantic relationships, I find that they just aren’t clear on what boundaries even are, so let’s start with the basics.

  1. Boundaries are Guidelines You Create Based on Your Values: You get to decide what your boundary guidelines are based on how you feel, what you think, what you value, and what you will and will not compromise on. When women have spent years in unhappy and unhealthy relationships, establishing good boundaries is not easy and that’s why we’re going to move slowly. I want you to really take your time and put some good energy into this.
  2. Boundaries are GOOD! The reason you find yourself in that same stomach-churning place in relationships is because somewhere along the way, you began to compromise your boundaries. Maybe without even knowing it, you nodded and smiled when you didn’t really want to; you didn’t ask the question that was burning in your mind; You accepted something that was just plain unacceptable. But I want you to be done with that forever. Now is the time for you to set up and maintain good boundaries that honor who you are and what you are worth (and you’re worth a lot!) With boundaries, you’ll find yourself attracting people who respect themselves and take personal responsibility for their own actions. Overall, you’ll be hanging out with happier, healthier people… and doesn’t that sound refreshing?
  3. Boundaries are NOT walls! They’re not meant to keep people out. Think of them more like fences, keeping you safe and allowing all of the good stuff to stay inside. When you know your own boundaries, and stick to them, you will find yourself honoring your own needs and desires, trusting your decisions, and making the right choice for who you are with. Without boundaries, your fences get trampled, the good stuff will get out and the icky stuff will get in.

So, now it’s time for you to do some homework and get on the right track for setting and keeping healthy relationship boundaries so you can find the love you’re looking for.

Action Steps

For the next two weeks, hang on to this list and grade yourself on the 7 Signs that you’re compromising your boundaries. Pay close attention to how you interact with your mate or even a potential mate. Make notes and be really honest with how you think, feel, and behave. If you have a trusted friend, share this with her and help hold each other accountable.

That’s it… that’s all you have to do for now. Just be awake and observant. Don’t go numb and let yourself drift off into complacency and wake up one morning and not want to be where you are.

We’ll see you back here in two weeks when we’ll start building some beautiful fences!

Go do it!

You may be clear on what your boundaries are, but are you sticking to them? Compromising our own boundaries happens to everyone which is why I make sure all my private clients receive the highest level of attention from me so you never lose your way. Go ahead and check out my brand NEW Queen of Hearts Service Menu and let’s connect for a FREE call so we can create your best next steps.

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