A Simple Step-By-Step Guide for Setting and Keeping Boundaries – Part 2

Welcome Back, gorgeous!

It’s been two weeks of honestly listening to yourself and paying attention to how well you establish and hold your boundaries in romantic relationships — how did you do?

Just in case you missed the homework assignment, you can find it here so jump in and join us!

I know it’s not easy to look at what is really going on in your love life when things are tough. I also know that without boundaries, you will most likely lose yourself and, trust me, there is hardly anything worse than being lonely when you’re in a relationship! It’s not supposed to be that way and it doesn’t have to be.

So let’s do a quick recap: If you are doing well at setting and keeping boundaries, you can shout out an enthusiastic No! to all of these:

  1. You adjust your life to suit a man’s schedule
  2. You give in to things that are not aligned with your values
  3. Settle for less than you know you really need or desire
  4. Stay in a relationship that you know is passed its deadline
  5. Smother the person you’re dating with excessive needs or control
  6. Go back to a relationship that you know is over
  7. Enter a relationship to avoid being alone

Anything less than an enthusiastic No! to even one of these is a red flag. Let’s fix it now!

Here’s your assignment and, please understand, this will take some time. Things won’t change overnight. Do be kind and patient with yourself. You may have tried this boundary setting stuff before and you haven’t been able to make it stick. Set your intention that this is the time for you to establish and keep your boundaries whether you’re in a relationship or not.

Your Pre-Action Steps

First, throw out the list you have of your perfect partner. You know, the one that reads something like this: athletic, perfect body, powerful leader, wealthy, ambitious, fun, witty, smart etc.

Trust me when I say that I have never met anyone who had a breakup or divorce because their partner wasn’t witty enough!

It’s time to get clear with your preferences and the character of your ideal partner. Get a pen and paper and get ready to write:

  • Your Preferences: What are your common interests, goals, and values? When you list these out, think about what you can and cannot live with and without. Just like the relationship I was in a long time ago, I had to get clear that I couldn’t live without a man being emotionally ready for a relationship. Look at past and present relationships for clues.
  • Their Character: How do they treat themselves, you, and those around them? Do they treat waiters like servants or do they treat everyone with respect and a sense of equality?

Build Your Own Fence

Remember that boundaries aren’t walls — they are beautiful fences that are meant to hold the good stuff in and keep the icky stuff out. Your fence should be exactly the way you want it. You deserve it and should settle for nothing less.

Your Fence Building Action Steps

STEP 1: Get Clear on Your Deal Breakers

  • Reflect on all of your past relationships and list out all of the things that drove you nuts, hurt you, where you compromised or settled for less, etc.

If this list starts to get really long, circle the top 5 that stand out to you the most.

STEP 2: Determine Your Highest Values

  • Look at your life and observe what you value — what matters to you the most? Maybe you value family, health, or saving money. If you’re struggling with this, just notice what consistently tugs at your heart and where you effortlessly have most of your attention on a regular basis.

To help you along, here is my Top Values list: Health, long-term relationships, family, and time + money freedom. All of these are areas where I put most of my attention and are things I cannot live without. Therefore, if I meet a broke couch potato whose longest relationship was 2 months and he hasn’t spoken to his family in years, I know right away that we’re not a match… ever. Not today. Never… even if he looks like Brad Pitt!

STEP 3: Putting in the Posts

No fence can stay standing without sturdy posts. Your Deal Breakers and Values are now the posts that are firmly planted in cement so it’s up to you to make sure they are well maintained.

  • Take a stand for yourself and honor what you know you need in a relationship. If you’re with someone who is making your posts weak, then your fence is going to fall.
  • If you start to question or feel uncertain about someone you have met, come back to your list of Deal Breakers and Values to get back on track. These will always be a loving reminder that you may not be taking good care of your fence or of yourself.

Now that you know what your boundaries are, it’s time to practice sticking with them! One of the best ways to do this is to surround yourself with the loving support you need. This is why I make sure all my private clients receive the highest level of attention from me so you never lose your way. Go ahead and check out my brand NEW Queen of Hearts Service Menu and let’s connect for a FREE call so we can create your best next steps.

If you found this article helpful, email it to two friends that you think would benefit from it. Then, make sure you’re on the email list to get bi-weekly tips to help your love life.